This seemingly harmful habit could be killing your relationships with other people. Toxic positivity is a relatively new term with a popularity on the rise. Upon first hearing about it, you might be scratching your head, “how in the world can positivity be toxic?”
We know that positivity is the practice of optimism. It’s the spread of “good vibes” and hopeful, forward thinking. Positivity is necessary to get us to see things in a better light; it can be hearty for the soul when negativity has overrun our lives.
Toxicity, in social terms, is generally harmful behavior that is damaging to the recipient. We hear about toxic relationships in both partnerships and friendships. Traits of a toxic person is packaged as manipulation, controlling behavior, gas-lighting, passive-aggression, blackmail, invalidation, heavy criticism, etc.
So what is toxic positivity? Allow me to set me set the stage of a scenario that might be very familiar. You’ve made plans to meet up with a friend to talk about a pressing dilemma, a break up, the end of friendship, financial issues, or maybe you just had a bad day. As you express your feelings, you’re hoping that this person will show compassion; perhaps your goal was just to vent or be validated. Instead you’re met with the phrase, “just get over it! Everything will be okay. Just happy thoughts. ” Sometimes it sounds like, “it could be worse, stop being so negative!”
A scenario like this leaves you feeling worse. When you make yourself vulnerable, only to be told, “get over it”, it’s a more seemingly polite way to tell someone to “shut up”, (at least that’s what it feels like). The person being positively toxic likely doesn’t mean to be damaging. In fact, this form of toxicity doesn’t seem damaging at first. Chances are, the person hates seeing you upset and doesn’t know how to more effectively help you through the situation.
Regardless, you shouldn’t have to put up with the invalidation. You remain the right to feel your emotions as they are.
For those of you wondering what the right way to respond in a situation like this is, instead of handing the person cheap positive quotes, you should focus your energy on making them feel understood. Continue to ask the person questions on how the situation makes them feel. Offer them validation. For instance, instead of saying “get over it”, you might want to say: “this is a tough situation, but I know you can rise above it. I believe that you can.” Instead of “don’t be negative”, offer the alternative: “I completely understand how you feel and it makes sense that you’re upset. That’s normal.”
By changing the way you respond to others in this situation, you encourage the person to fully navigate their emotions which in turn allows them to more effectively work through them. People are allowed to feel however they feel, be it anger or sadness. By feeling-out these emotions and venting, they can begin to fully address the root of the problem. They can move forward once they’ve come to terms with their situation, but this can only happen if there are no roadblocks in the form of get-over-its and stay-positives.
Toxic positivity is a counteractive, communication bridge-burner; it creates a greater divide between people, causing falter in connection. With a more conscientious social skills and self-awareness, we can become better at helping others.
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