Here at The Xavierite, many of us find that we have little time to watch all of the great Oscar nominated films this year. So instead of taking two hours out of our busy schedules to watch a beautiful work of art, we decided to just judge movies by their trailers instead. Here are our best attempts at movie reviews based solely on the movie trailers.
Gravity
Nausea and vomiting are not two feelings that I am familiar with until I viewed the trailer for the Oscar nominated film “Gravity”. I have not had the pleasure of viewing this movie but judging from the black starry setting in the trailer and the two astronauts floating innocently connected to a ship’s umbilical cord it must be about outer space.
My other clue was the statement that included the words “…at 372 miles above the earth the view is breathtaking.” Unless there just referring to LeBron James’ vertical than I am just wrong.
The part in the trailer where I feel nausea and vomiting could be induced by a case of vertigo is when a random piece of space debris seems to hit their ship causing pieces of it to fly rapidly in their direction. Their bodies seem to start spinning in one direction while the screen simultaneously starts spinning the other direction. Your brain cannot seem to decide if it wants your body to throw up when looking at the people spinning or the screen itself.
When my mind and eyes were finally done recovering from being jumped by a spinning top and a camera I watched the rest of the trailer. Of course there was more spinning but my eyes and mind were ready for combat this time as they viewed George Clooney and Sandra Bullock being tossed all over space like rag dolls trying not to drown in the dark endless abyss that is space.
I believe looking at the whole minute and a half of that trailer that the movie is about two repair men or a repair man and woman that are trying to fix a satellite. The occupational hazards of working in outer space seem to come to light when flying space debris causes utter chaos and I’m sure millions of dollars of destruction. I would watch the film hoping my eyes do not file charges for abuse afterwards but two good actors are in it, and special effects make outer space look and feel like outer space.
Damone Griffin
Sports Editor
Captain Phillips
Tom Hanks is in the ocean, but he’s not stranded and I did not see any volleyball so I guess this movie probably is not the sequel to Castaway.
In the trailer for Captain Phillips, it begins with a very old looking Tom Hanks on a freight ship looking at two speedboats hurtling towards his ship. He calls up a very unhelpful call center woman who tells him that he should just tell his crew what’s up and that it’s probably just some fishermen. A sassy Tom Hanks tells her “They aren’t here to fish,” and slams the phone down.
And then all hell breaks loose.
Captain Phillips seems like a pretty straightforward action-packed movie. Somali pirates come and take over this unarmed freight ship and Captain Tom Hanks has to try to save his crew. From the trailers we see a pirate with very terrible teeth telling Tom Hanks that he will be the new captain. This guy seems like he is going to be quite a headache.
I assume that this movie will have a lot of comedic cat and mouse chases between the ship crew and the Somali pirates. Imagine those famous Scooby Doo scenes where the team is chasing the monsters through the hallways and in and out of doorways. Yeah, it’ll be something like that. Except the only difference will be there be will a lot of guns and probably a lot of people are going to die.
Captain Phillips is the type of movie you want to check out if you’re into boats, pirates, and EXTREME ACTION. It looks okay, so maybe I’ll check it out when it comes on Netflix, but only if I run out of “Hoarders” episodes to watch.
Lauren Dwyer
Senior Features Editor
American Hustle
Alright, so I just watched a trailer on YouTube for American Hustle (American Hustle Official TRAILER 1 (2013)). My first feelings towards this motion picture are pretty strong. Based on the trailer, this movie looks like it is going to be awesome!
It has an awesome cast consisting of: Christian Bale, Bradley Cooper, Amy Adams, Jennifer Lawrence, and Jeremy Renner.
Now, I am not one to judge a movie based on its cast, however, in addition to the trailer, the cast seems support the potential for a great movie. I am a huge fan of Christian Bale and I also like Bradley Cooper as an actor, so I am already compelled to see these two together in this movie.
From what I saw in the trailer, it looks like Christian Bale’s character is quite interesting. His character seems like some sort of out-of-the-ordinary businessman of some kind. He seems like he is a wealthy, adventure-seeking playboy.
I do not have a good grip on what Bradley Cooper’s character is going to be like, but his character seems like he is some kind of subordinate to Christian Bale’s character. Whether this character is in a subordinate position in relation to Christian Bale’s character or just has a subordinate personality, or neither, I do not yet know. This is just my opinion so far.
Also, the female co-stars in this movie are great actresses. Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams both have a great acting skill set and I believe their roles will help to improve this movie. Both of their characters seem mysterious, yet promiscuous in the trailer.
This film looks like it has some potential. It appears to have some good humor, action, sex, and mystery, all the components to a great and complete movie. I am excited to see this film and I hope my predictions do not deceive me!
Frank Markasovic
Sports Editor
Her
So this movie is all about a guy who is named Socially Awkward, Middle-Aged Joaquin Phoenix. I think he has a different name, but I can’t remember it, and I like this name better. Anyway, Socially Awkward, Middle-Aged Joaquin Phoenix (or SAMAJP for short) has recently gotten divorced and gotten a new operating system, which is totally interactive and is kind of like JARVIS from the Marvel Universe (and voiced by Black Widow herself).
SAMAJP quickly begins falling in love with Samantha, his operating system, and he finds the joy in life again while Samantha asks him about life and love.
Then, Amy Adams enters the picture, and SAMAJP is faced with a decision: should he continue to love ScarJo…erm…Samantha, who loves him despite his lack of wires and a modem, or go with Amy Adams, who is an actual human being that actually seems somewhat stable.
Now, I’ve never seen this movie, but I have seen other sappy romantic comedies where the main character has to choose between a human and a sentient operating system. I’m guessing he picks Amy Adams and then Samantha pulls a total 2001: A Space Odyssey. “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Socially Awkward, Middle-Aged Joaquin Phoenix.” SAMAJP then spends the rest of the movie floating around his apartment in zero-G as Amy Adams is trapped in another room and slowly suffocates because Samantha has turned off the oxygen to eliminate the competition. Humans are so weak with their dependence on oxygen.
Overall, Her seems like a heartwarming film about finding love in unexpected places, and I’m guessing it is also sponsored by Apple. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was one big commercial for the newest iPhone.
Becki Brown
Editor in Chief
The Wolf of Wall Street
Oh joyous occasion, another year at the Oscars. It is an award show for films and filmmakers that prides itself on being much more dignified and prestigious than the MTV Movie Awards but isn’t as exciting as it thinks it is. The worst part is that the audience has to sit through obscure categories like best sound editing and mixing in a short film or documentary or whatever just to see who won for Best Picture. Viewers at home have the luxury of flipping the channel but can you imagine actually having to sit in the audience? Lord, help the poor wealthy folk and give them the patience to sit through the onslaught of choreographed Ellen DeGeneres dance numbers–amen.
One of the pictures surprisingly nominated for Best Picture this year is The Wolf of Wall Street. In my imagination–with a title like that–I would like to think that it is a continuation of the Teen Wolf series that follows Scott Howard as he goes under witness protection as angst ridden werewolf turned billionaire playboy boy Jordan Belfort. Under this new alias he becomes a reckoning force in the stock market while subsequently struggling to hide who he is from a slick Matthew McConaughey who tries to charm him via song and fancy brunches.
In reality, what I learned from the Wolf of Wall Street trailers was that greed is good. Forget all that stuff you learned growing up about morality. It stars Leo “snubbed by the Academy” Dicaprio and that chunky kid from Super Bad who obsessed over male genitalia. Much like a Scorsese film, the actors are probably dropping expletives like nukes left and right so it’s probably not “movie night with the family material”. At 180 minutes it gives any Lord of the Rings film a run for its money in run-time. However, I suppose if you are going to make a quasi-bio pic—and I use the term loosely—about the consumption of greed and excess by a misogynistic, scamming stockbroker who tapes money to women’s chests, devours coke like dessert and throws little people at targets for fun then you better let it ride for three hours.
Zhana Johnson
Features Correspondent
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