Somewhere along the line, we are all taught to believe that someday we will find “the one”. We are told that when you meet that person, you’ll know it immediately, no doubt in your mind. You will never think about or be attracted to anyone else. You will be inseparable from that moment on.
Movies, TV, and other media tell us that this is exactly how it’s supposed to happen. As a result, the majority of us find ourselves waiting for that moment and end up feeling abnormal or confused if we have not yet experienced it within the usual timeframe.
As I get older, relationships become more serious and there’s increasing pressure to find my ‘“one”. It really makes me question the concept altogether. I grew up in a two-parent household and my parents have always supported and loved each other throughout their marriage. As humans, we are creatures of habit and we desire to belong to the group. So, we follow the example set for us.
As a result of my upbringing, I fully believe a lot of people (even most people) will eventually find “the one” for them. But I also think that it happens in so many different ways and at different times. We shouldn’t feel pressured to be one hundred percent sure who “the one” is at any certain point…maybe ever.
One theory that I have been developing over the past year or so is that perhaps there is a different “one” for different periods in our lives. So many of us look back with embarrassment or confusion on past relationships with someone who we thought was the one and turned out to be something else. If you fall into that category, this theory might make sense to you.
We grow and change so much during our dating years that it is fully possible that the people you date are the perfect person for you…at that specific time. In that moment, they were what you wanted, or maybe even more importantly, they were what you needed.
Another theory that I have entertained is that someone may become “the one” over time. We are bombarded with these romanticized love stories where people fall in love immediately and live happily ever after, but I am willing to bet that, a vast majority of the time, it does not happen like that. Love at first sight is not as real as we think it is. We tend to think that if we’re not immediately in love with someone that it is not right and the relationship should end.
However, might find “the one” in someone you had not considered before or someone that you had written off because the feelings were not strong enough right away. There’s something to be said for growing and changing alongside another person until you find that their presence is essential to your life. It is possible that someone who wasn’t the one for you, initially, may become the one with the passing of time.
It may also be unrealistic to expect yourself to never waiver, fault, or question in a relationship. We tend to think that if we have a few fights, doubt our feelings for our partner, or even find ourselves attracted to someone else that the person is simply not the one. Sometimes, that is true. If you find yourself consciously and willingly doing things that you know would hurt your partner, it might be best to end the relationship.
However, I really feel that it is natural to question. It can be confusing when you feel so sure that someone is your soulmate one day and the next you feel that they may not be, but I think that’s just a natural tendency we have as imperfect beings.
We are taught that we will meet “the one” and it will be smooth sailing from there on out. But in reality, if you truly want the best for yourself (and most people do), you will be second guessing and thinking like crazy to try to determine what “the best” is. I don’t think that ever stops.
Regardless of the length of a relationship, it may be perfectly OK to not know where it is headed. There are no rules that say “If you have made it this far, you have found the one.” Ultimately, we have to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves and each other. There’s no specific way or time that it is supposed to happen.
If you’re being open and honest with yourself and with your partner, if you have one, you’re doing the right thing.
Bridget Goedke
Senior Viewpoints Editor
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