The semester is ending, Saint Xavier! As you make that last push through final exams you can look forward to a month-long break filled with friends, family and the complete, unmitigated destruction of the earth and all life within it! Yeah!
In case you have not heard by now, the ancient Mayan calendar ends on December 21 2012, which has prompted some to believe that the world will end with it.
So basically, you don’t even have to study for finals because by the time grades are posted the planet could be barren, devoid of all humans, animals and vegetation. In fact, you should all go on a carelessly irresponsible shopping spree and spend all your tuition money because you won’t need it anymore.
The end of the world does not need to be a bad thing. In fact, depending on who you talk to, they might welcome it. So allow me to present to you some people who can see the bright sides to the apocalypse.
Probably the happiest people around if the world ends will be our “public servants” in Washington D.C. One of my colleagues writes about the approaching fiscal cliff and how if Democrats and Republicans fail to compromise, then drastic spending cuts will automatically take place, likely leading to economic disaster.
Armageddon is just what our politicians need to take the spotlight off of them, so that they can go back to getting nothing done. There is no doubt in my mind that Congress would rather see the sun burn out then come to a bipartisan agreement on anything, so I am sure they are counting down the days to the twenty-first.
Another happy group will be conservatives. After President Barack Obama’s surprisingly large electoral victory in the 2012 election, many conservatives feel that the world is going to end anyway. Texas has even started a secession movement, racking up over 100,000 signatures in support of breaking away from the U.S.
Fortunately for them, the 2012 Mayan apocalypse will expedite the process. If the world ends on time, conservatives will never have to see Obama sworn in for a second term.
Moving on, have you ever seen the show Doomsday Preppers? These are people who are expecting the end of the world and build underground bunkers stocked with various supplies and weapons to serve them post-apocalypse. They probably cannot wait to try out their survival skills and are banking everything on the world ending on December 21.
Fans of singer-songwriter Ke$ha will also welcome the end. They must wonder day after day why they are fans ofKe$ha and how to cure that condition. I can only imagine how rough that life must be. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so Ke$ha fans should make the most of these next few weeks like they are going to die young, as their hero so aptly puts it.
While we are on the theme of popular culture, Twilight fans horrified that their saga has finally come to an end must feel like they have little to live for. What is the point of continuing on without new movies about sparkling vampires? I am sure they would like nothing better than to see this now “Twilight-less” planet burn. If they are lucky, maybe these“Twi-hards” will come back as vampires after doomsday.
Finally, the end of the world brings an end to the long, torturous existence of Chicago Cubs fans. They have had their spirits lifted and crushed for over 100 years. At long last, they all can rest and not worry about facing further disappointments. I am sure that they, more then anyone, will embrace the respite that the apocalypse will bring to them.
So there you have it. Not everyone is unhappy about the world ending. For many, it is actually an ideal situation, an end to the sorry state in which they now find themselves. For those of us who do not fall into any of the above categories, the bright side is that we can save money on Christmas shopping.