It has undeniably been the case in countless instances where, in heterosexual relationships, both women and men alike have been blindsided to their significant other engaging in same-sex sexual or romantic extramarital affairs while claiming to be entirely straight and monogamous.
I would never take any pain or suffering away from the people who have been subjected to this kind of heartbreaking situation, but I beg the question—why, in heterosexual relationships, is it often treated as more morally reprehensible when a partner cheats with a same-sex partner than with one of the opposite sex?
Is it merely because there is an additional layer of dishonesty? Are both situations not ultimately dishonest?
There is a chain of social media discourse, which has grown slowly over the years, that paints misogynistic men in straight relationships as most likely, if not certainly, “DL” (short for “down-low,” a term commonly used to identify gay people, usually gay men but can certainly be used in the context of closeted lesbians, who are not open about their sexuality).
“And if that man is always mean to you, he’s DL,” @theregoessbre on TikTok asserts with universalizing finality at the beginning of her TikTok think piece “Mean men are most likely DL.”
“10-plus points if he lays his hands on you, as well, when he’s angry—ultimate DL status right there. Because you can’t really trust a guy—if he’s mean, if he’s hitting you, if he’s mean to you, punching you, whatever the case may be, he’s DL,” she continues moments later with that same level of certainty, equating queerness with physical abuse.
“A man who cares more about male validation than his partner is DL. He values spending more time with his friends over you, he values their opinions more, and ditches you for them—it’s because he’s chasing male validation and attention,” @therovanegas writes in another TikTok under this same umbrella of discourse.
What takes like this one fail miserably to acknowledge is that misogynistic men often view women as less intelligent, meaning that the thoughts, opinions and validation of women are valued less. However, this does not mean those men are not physically or even romantically attracted to the very people they view as inherently less intellectually capable.
I don’t think online talking points would bother me to the extent they do if I didn’t see them bleed into real life conversations. Because I’m a gay man, I’ve found a considerable number of straight women in my own life using similar talking points against cruel, abusive or dishonest men.
Whether it be weaponization of “gay jokes” these men have made with their male counterparts in the past, or speaking about a man’s toxic masculinity—both, in such cases, are seen as sure indicators of a man suppressing some sort of homoerotic or homoromantic desire.
I’m not saying these things never happen—many men who date women but are secretly gay do deal with self-loathing, and that undoubtedly leads some to project insecurity onto the women they date, treat them cruelly or possibly even worse.
There absolutely are also men who project homophobic attitudes to mask secret same-sex desires. What I am saying is that when we normalize throwing these tropes at people we dislike or feel disrespected by, whether or not the reason is valid, in an attempt to disenfranchise or discredit them, we inevitably recycle harmful historical narratives that demonize queer people, particularly gay men, as being sexually deviant, dishonest, etc.
Heteronormative society wants to crush what it cannot control—when two people of the same sex are engaging in a relationship behind closed doors, no one can truly police it.
This demonization of closeted gay people also ignores the fact that they haven’t exactly been treated as equally deserving of humane treatment as heterosexual people historically in every part of the world. (I know, shocking!)
As of 2024, homosexuality is still criminalized in 64 nations across the globe, and Saudi Arabia, Iran, Yemen, Brunei, Nigeria, and Mauritania all have laws that punish acts along the lines of same-sex sexual activity or gender nonconformity with death.
These things don’t magically go away once you cross the borders of more secular nations like the United States. People from those 64 nations and other nations who historically criminalized homosexuality, which includes most Western nations, come to the United States with religious and cultural beliefs, so how can we honestly say that all these DL men are inherently, maliciously dishonest?
Should we demonize a man who has never felt a sliver of attraction to women in Yemen for marrying one, effectively avoiding the death penalty? A resounding “absolutely not” is my answer.
This is a clear example of American exceptionalism, where people, especially in the U.S. but the Western world more broadly as well, think that everyone is given the same hand they and those in their immediate vicinity are given.
Even though the U.S. has more progressive LGBTQ+ rights laws, I also do not find it productive or humane to brow-beat people who are afraid to come out here—let us not forget that, in some parts of the country, like Texas, two same-sex adults engaged in consensual sex could be criminalized for it until 2003, and countless faith traditions in our multicultural society condemn it.
Because so many women and gay men have been and continue to be mistreated by men, and are rightfully angry about it, my fear is that this understandable rage, combined with our screen addictions, lack of media literacy (that, let me be clear, is not new or unique to Gen Z), and the ever-rampant “hot-take” culture on social media, will reinstill stigmatizing, harmful beliefs about gay men in the minds of young people.
We have to be more mindful about naming exactly what it is we are frustrated with—being mistreated by men—without demonizing a whole group of people, many of which either have not found their voice, or whose physical safety relies on their silence.
**Correction added 10/20/2026: “another” changed to “a” in paragraph 18**
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