Before I formally begin this endeavor, I would just like to make a few things clear: 1). I do not speak for all of my male constituents. In fact, I probably speak for less than 15% – that’s likely a generous figure. 2). While I have the utmost respect for the gay/lesbian community, I am not a homosexual male. I say this only so that this article does not seem intentionally exclusive. I do not feel that I have a firm understanding of how dating a member of the same sex differs – if at all – from courting that of the opposite sex. Thus, I have chosen to write from the heterosexual point of view. 3). My article is not meant to be read as instructions for women or for men.
Perhaps as you read forward you will realize that I likely have no inclination in understanding the female psyche. Yet I have not found a man yet who has, or a woman with the ability to read the minds of men. So, for all we know, I could be the first to crack the code and bridge the gap between the genders on a pivotal issue: the ideal first date.
In my professional opinion as a male, I think that a first date is important. True, it won’t be as telling as a second or third date; those are the dates when the conversation becomes meatier and you become more exposed to a person you may or may not want to spend time with. However, a first date can prove a good sort of litmus test on whether you may even want a second or third date.
My advice for the first date doesn’t rely on gender rules on letting the girl pick the movie or the restaurant or any such things as this. I think that that places too much pressure on the female. But it’s also unfair to let the man pick everything.
Here in lies the problem with such thinking: someone always has to be some sort of decider in the dating process.
Why are decisions never compromises? Go through the movies at a theater and think of what movie you may want to see. Talk about the kinds of food you like and decide a joint restaurant that serves one of, if not all, the things you may have in common with the person you plan to go on a date with.
A first date should be as fun as you can make it….But don’t make it too fun…if you catch my drift. (I won’t take my descriptions any further; this is a Mercy school after all.)
Try to make a first date as informal and as light hearted as you can. Sure, there will be nervous jitters and you may even want to go so far as to impress the person you’re on a date with, but the point isn’t to impress someone (a path that often leads to embellishment) or to be nervous (Are you afraid they’re going to find out you’re a Russian spy or something?), but to get to know someone as a human being and maybe find if you have something in common with that person.
Women don’t seem to want to be impressed by the show that men put on – sometimes this show is quite elaborate (overly-faux chivalry, cracking obnoxious jokes to appear witty and the like) – rather they want to be impressed by the man that they get a glimpse of on a first date.
The same goes for men as well. Nobody wants to hear lies – no matter how entertaining or ridiculous – on a date. Tell the truth. It makes the subsequent dates (if there are any) so much easier.
I’m sure this wasn’t exactly what many readers thought this was going to be. It was not a step-by-step diagnosis of how to create a successful first date. But, that’s up to the people on the date. You have to make it fun and enjoyable and if you can’t maybe a second date isn’t such a good idea. You have to decide that for yourself. There is no silly dating taboo or societal-imposed standard that can tell you whether you’re having a good time or not and that’s the first step in building any relationship – finding someone who you enjoy spending time with. If you can do that, you’ve had a successful first date.
Brian Laughran
Senior Viewpoints Editor
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