My Dad passed away my freshman year of high school when I was only 15 years old. I still remember the moment I found out he had passed and I am still learning how to cope with his death. His passing was very unexpected and I feel like that is also something that makes it more difficult for me to move on. Without getting into too much detail, I’ll just say that I did not have the closest relationship with my Dad. He struggled with alcoholism and depression his whole life and that affected his relationship with my family and I. There is no point in being resentful towards him since he is no longer here, but it is important to mention that when my Dad passed away, I wasn’t sure how to feel. For many years I had felt anger and resentment towards him since he had abandoned my family and I.
The loss of a parent is one of the most difficult things a person will ever have to go through. Whether you had a close relationship with them or not, you will be left with various mixed emotions. It has been 5 years since my Dad passed and I am still struggling to cope with this loss. My mental health and relationships with others have been affected. I always felt like I was the only one that felt this way but I have learned now that I’m not. Many people are going through the same thing I am.
According to an article from Psychology Today, “…children dealing with prolonged grief from losing a parent are vulnerable to long-term emotional problems due to their failure to resolve their sense of loss.” I cannot speak on behalf of every child or adolescent who has lost a parent, but for myself I can say that this has been true. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and I have a difficult time forming more intimate relationships with others. I have not fully coped with the death of my Dad and I know that this still affects me today.
An article from Fatherly also mentions that “…young adults are more affected by parental loss than middle-aged adults. Presumably, their parents died unexpectedly, or at least earlier than average.” I can also agree with this statement. The unexpected loss of a parent is difficult because you never got to say goodbye, or anything you might have wanted to get off your chest. I felt a lot of guilt when my Dad passed away because there were so many things I wanted to say. Now, I know that there is no point in thinking about the “what ifs” since it is in the past.
There are also statistics from Psychology Today that say that “…men and women who had lost a parent before the age of eighteen were at a significantly higher risk of marital separation than non-bereaved men and women.” I can’t argue with a statistic, but I can say that my experiences do not define who I am or who I will be. My Dad passing away has definitely impacted my life and my relationships, but it will not dictate everything. I am in charge of my own path and I choose not to let this grief control my life and my relationships with others.
I often find it difficult to talk to others about my Dad. I do not want them to feel sorry for me at all, but I feel like there isn’t much for them to say other than “ You are so strong” and “I’m sorry for your loss.” My life has never been the same since he passed away and I am at the point where I am okay with that. The things I have gone through and the pain I have felt have changed my outlook on so many things. I always tell my friends to be grateful if their parents are alive. Even if they don’t have the best relationship with them, at least they have the opportunity to make it better.
I do not hold any resentment or anger towards my Dad anymore either. He was fighting his own demons and unfortunately they won. Losing a parent is something that is difficult to understand or relate to until it happens to you. Although I recognize the ways that my Dad’s death has impacted me going into adulthood, I know that I am able to change and get better. There is no shame in admitting that you need help.
To my Dad, may you rest in paradise.
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