The phrase “angry birds” gained a whole new meaning last Wednesday, March 27 after a Saint Xavier employee found himself the target of a flustered flock of geese.
Feathers flew when Peter Kreten, Director of Student Media passed the birds, which were congregating on Saint Xavier’s quad.
“And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder,” recalled Kreten as he described the sound of well over twenty geese taking flight. “Before I knew it, they were all over me.”
Kreten was fortunate enough to escape with only minor cuts and bruises after being pummeled by the birds.
Junior Biology student, Clarence Ignowsky, was not so lucky after a similar goose attack last semester. He recently told his story for the first time to The Xavierite.
“It was a nice day, so I decided to do my homework outside by Lake Marion. All of a sudden I heard a hiss, then another, then another. I turned around, and the last thing I remember was a beak coming at my face.” Ignowski was later found unconscious by a maintenance worker. He was immediately transported to the hospital where he underwent 28 stitches.
In total, 34 goose attacks have occurred on SXU’s main campus alone in the past year, and the number is rising, leaving many experts dumbfounded.
“Geese don’t normally behave in such a hostile manner,” say Dave Oakendorf, a biology professor at SXU. 
“This just isn’t natural.”
Some experts point to increased goose territoriality due to the mating season, but this does not explain the year round attacks, nor the ferocity with which they are undertaken.
To combat these attacks, some individuals have formed “Goose Death Squads” (GDS), which are essentially vigilante groups aimed at stopping the geese through force. Bubba Joe, leader of a GDS in nearby Oak Lawn, reports that despite the variety of traps the group sets for the geese, they are losing the battle. “The geese adapt,” says Joe, “Any method we use only works for a short time before they figure us out.”
This has caused some to call for a more peaceful solution to the problem. Environmentalists, like senior philosophy major Matt Green, claim that people are at fault. “The geese were here first. We are on their land. We need to stop our invasion of nature and live in harmony with it. Otherwise, nature will fight back,” warns Green.
Although different groups may disagree on what should be done to stop the goose attacks, they all agree that something must be done. “I just don’t feel safe on campus anymore,” says Janice Mayberry, a sophomore nursing major.
SXU’s administration is exploring different options, but, admits President Smartman, “We are as clueless on what to do about this goose problem as the next guy.”
The above information is completely false. Happy April Fools.
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